Not all words are helpful

From the first day I found out I had lost my little boy I have heard these words over and over. As many women think it is comforting to tell me "I know how to you feel, I had a miscarriage too" it is not comforting. I want to yell and scream at these women and say "Did you have to deliver your baby, go through contractions and labor pains, did you have to hold your dead baby in your arms?!?!?!?" If not you DO NOT know how I am feeling right now! I also want to ask these mothers that had miscarriages if their bodies thought they had a living baby after it happened. I want to ask them if they had breast milk come in, if they had to deal with the wonderful things that come with vaginal births, and if they had to deal with these confusing feelings of what do I do with a body that thinks my baby is living? Only a few women (mothers) truly know how I am feeling and those are women who did not have a miscarriage, but they gave birth to stillborn babies. These women are the ones who understand these feelings I am having and what I am going through. Though I am not saying their loss is any less, it is not the same. The feeling of going through labor and delivery knowing your baby will not come out kicking and screaming is heart breaking, and then holding that lifeless body in your arms and looking at them is heart breaking. It was not easy to look at my son and see him looking like my husband already, he was perfect, exactly what we had hoped for. However, he did not get to fulfill the dreams we had for him or to know how much we really do love him. I have not had a miscarriage during the first trimester so I am not sure how those mothers feel, but I felt like I had totally lost a piece of myself when my son died and I gave birth to him. This was not supposed to happen after the second trimester, it WAS NOT supposed to happen!

Another phrase my husband and I have been hearing all too often that is not comforting is "You are young and can have another baby". I want to ask these people if they are suggesting we replace our son like a pet? Will we have other babies? Yes, yes we will, but it will not be replacing our son, it will be giving our son a younger sibling to watch over. All of our living children will know about their brother in heaven, we have a son, we are parents, our child is just in heaven not on earth with us. I will talk about my son, celebrate my son on his birthdays and other holidays, and I will be a mother to my child in heaven. My son will not be forgotten, Axl will always be remembered.

I know people have a hard time figuring out what to say, but I want people to know that they need to really pay attention to some of these comments. If you don't know what to say, saying nothing is best. If the only thing you say to me is "I'm sorry for your loss" that is better than telling me you can have another baby. I want people to know that these two comments are the ones that have hurt and angered me the most in this short week of losing my son.