Going back to work

Today was my first day back to work since the loss of our son. I thankfully had a whole week off due to spring break when we started this whole journey of being parents of an angel. As I went to bed last night I started thinking of what am I going to do if a student asks a hard question, what happens if a student comes up to me before they have been told about what happened and notices, how will I get through this day??? It was then I began to cry, cry because there was this uneasy feeling and unknown of how my day would go. My husband just held me and let me cry, telling me he was proud of how strong I have been and I deserved to cry. I then tried to sleep before what I knew would be a long emotional day.

As I got ready for work this morning I began to think about having to tell my students or listen to others tell my students that my son had died. It was then I knew it would be a hard day as tears ran down my face. I finished getting ready and got in my car, as soon as I began to drive I looked at the clear blue sky and asked my son Axl for strength. I knew I would need to be stronger than ever before on this day and I needed his help. As my drive went on I began to cry and have a mini anxiety attack, I did not want to tell students my son died, I didn't want to live in this reality. It was then my husband came to my rescue again, as I talked with him and telling him I don't think I can do this, I can't make it today, he told me " You are strong, you can do this and those kids need you; you are good at what you do". It was then I knew I had to be there for my kids, yes MY KIDS at school. I still had kids that needed me. Are these kids my biological children? No, but they are my kids! I teach them, love them, and celebrate things with them on a weekly basis. I knew these kids that I always call my own would be there for me in my time of need, but they also needed me.

When I pulled into the parking lot a flood of emotions ran over me. I was scared, nervous, and slightly happy to be back at school. I first walked in and was met by many hugs from my school family. I knew I could make it with all of those amazing people already showing me support. There were some who I could tell were uncomfortable and did not know what to say or do. These people either did say anything or just said a simple I am sorry for your loss. Though many people were there to listen, ask questions and really wanted to know how things were going. It was the people who showed they truly cared and wanted to know that made this day easy. It was nice to talk to the few about how I truly felt, what it was like giving birth to my son knowing he was not living, and what I am afraid of with the future in mind. Then it was time to actually see my students, it was time for them to learn about the tragic news. I was headed to 3rd grade first, my amazing principal was there to tell them what happened, I couldn't do it on my own. After she talked with them, I took my students and went to my room. They didn't have any questions, they were quiet and didn't know what to do. Though as our time passed they started asking me about my bracelet and necklace representing my baby boy. After my third grade students I was headed to fourth grade. When I came to fourth grade these students were not told the news yet. As I walked into the room I had a few girls come to be recognizing I was much smaller now and asked "Did the baby come out?" I was caught off guard, how do I answer this question??? I reluctantly replied with "Yes, the baby came out",  though they were excited, they thought all was okay. "Was it s boy or girl?!?!?" The next question came out, I replied, it was a boy. Then they wanted to know more, I just said we will have a conversation in a little bit, please wait. After a short time, my wonderful and amazing co-teacher in fourth grade held a class meeting. She started out talking to the students by relating it back to them. She stated that sometimes life is hard and kept on that thought. Our students do have some hard lives and they can relate to something that makes their lives hard. Then came the part where she started talking to them about me. As many of the girls were excited that I was pregnant it was hard for them to hear that my baby was born, but it went to heaven. She then told the students that if they had questions they could ask, but had to understand I may not want to talk to them about it. After the class meeting we moved on. It was a short time after one of my kiddos was crying. She needed to talk, I took her to the hall and asked her what was wrong. She said I feel so sad for you, and she just wanted to know why the baby had to die. How do you answer a question like this? How do you tell a child that sometimes it is not meant to be? I tried to explain to her the best I could as to why he couldn't live, she seemed to be okay with the answer and we moved on. Then I had another student ask the same thing, and then I had a student ask about my jewelry. I know they probably want to ask more questions, but they are also hurting emotionally because they see me hurting and they also will not be able to meet this little baby they were so impatiently waiting for. I then spent the rest of my day trying to make it through without breaking down. I made it, I made it!!!! I made it through my first day back, and I know it will be a tough road ahead, but it will be one that I need to go down.