Guilty Feelings

I never thought I would feel guilty after my son passed away. This is a feeling that consumes me recently. I am feeling guilty that after I went back to work I am not thinking of my son as much, or as much as I think I should anyways. I feel guilty that I am laughing, that I have a smile on my face at times, that I am talking about other things than just him. I feel guilty that I am back in my routine with my students at school and I enjoy being around them. I feel guilty that it has almost been two weeks since his passing and I am not sitting at home grieving his loss still. There is not a handbook to tell you what is normal for grieving the loss of your child and it is hard to know what you should be doing. I know my son would not want me crying all the time and we would want his mommy to be happy again, I just feel like I might be betraying Axl in the ways I should be honoring him instead.

In other ways I am feeling guilty lately is that I want another baby. I miss those feelings of kicks and movements all the time. I even  miss the morning sickness right now because I knew it was my little guys way of letting mom know he was there. I miss the anticipation and excitement of going to doctors appointments of listening to the heart beat to the different ultrasounds. I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, it has almost been 2 weeks since he passed. I want another baby, not to replace Axl but to be excited again, go through all those good feelings, and to feel the movements of a baby again. I want to be able to share the kicks with my husband and have him get just as excited as I was when I could feel our son. I just miss everything about being pregnant and I want that again, but I also want a happy ending. I will never forgot my baby boy Axl, but I also don't want to hold on to him so tight I don't live my life. I struggle with how to hold onto my baby boy, but to move on and live my life.  How does a mother do this, how can she move on and have more babies, but yet keep her Angel Baby in her life as well?