You're lucky, stop complaining...

I want to tell a lot of mothers of children here on earth and those who are pregnant who have not gone through a loss of a child, you're lucky stop complaining. I hear pregnant moms complain about morning sickness, being tired, having to go to the bathroom all the time, as well as many other things that come with pregnancy. I want to tell those mothers to stop complaining and soak it all up, enjoy it all because you have no idea if it will be all ripped away from you. I would love to be pregnant again with the morning sickness every morning for 14 whole weeks (like I did before my son passed away at 18 weeks). I would give anything to have all of the problems pregnant mothers complain about. I want to ask them if they want to give it all up and lose everything that comes with it? That would mean no baby here on earth, no baby cuddles with hearing their cries or seeing them take a breath, would they stop complaining then? I know they mean nothing by this, but I just want to tell them soak it up, enjoy every minute, and cherish your baby as long as you can. It is these moment you cannot get back. I will admit I did complain a few times while I was pregnant, but looking back I know now I should have relished in those moments as for now I do not have them to experience.

As for the mothers who have children here on earth and have not experienced loss, I want to tell them to enjoy it as well. I cannot tell you how many times a mom complains about her child keeping her up all night, the whining, and child tantrums, and many more. I would give anything for my baby boy to wake me up at 2am and keep me up all night because of what ever reason. However, I am up at night not because my baby is crying and needs me, but I am crying and need him and cannot have him. I also want to tell parents not to be so quick to toss their child over to someone else as soon as they are around. You do not know when that last time would be you get to cuddle, listen to your baby, or even change their diaper. I am not saying never let anyone help you care for your child, but don't be so quick to "get rid of them" for a lack of better statement. It only takes a moment in time to change your life forever, don't do anything you could regret if they were gone. A child is a blessing, a gift from god and he gets to decide when their time is up here on earth. Their time on earth is not marked on a calendar, written in the sky, or even told to you, a child's time here on earth is a secret and you will never know if you have a short few weeks, or a lifetime with them. Enjoy your children in all forms, at all moments, pregnant or not, enjoy them as much as possible.

Feeling your heart break

Have you ever felt your heart break? I have, I felt my heart beak on 4/3/15 when I found out my son had passed away in my womb. It is an unreal feeling, something that I never thought I would know about. When your heart breaks you literally feel it, your body has this numb feeling and your heart seems to take over every feeling in your body. As your heart breaks you can literally feel it, your heart begins to ache and it seems to feel like it breaks into a million pieces. I also didn't realize my heart would break many times after this. My heart breaks when I think about the things baby Axl will miss, when I think about him and just miss everything about my pregnancy, and when I see other babies or pregnant women. I think my heart has broken for my son more times than I could count.

As your heart breaks there is nothing to fix it, it is broken for what seems like forever. There is always something that seems to break it again and again. I have walked around now for 24 days with a broken heart and it only seems to get harder and harder. The emotional strain with a broken heart is exhausting, there are times that I just want to lay down and not move just to try and heal my broken heart. I am forever going to be trying to heal it, and I am not sure how or what to do. I am not sure my heart will ever be whole again, if it is never whole I at least hope it stop breaking at one point because I am not sure I could survive anymore heart break in my life.

It hurts a little too much....

As the days and weeks have gone by there are many things that just hurt a little too much. I am sorry that  I have ignored you my sisters and friends with new babies as it hurts a little too much. It hurts a little too much to watch you cuddle your baby, feed you baby, and even listen to your baby cry. You have no idea what I would do to get to do that with my baby Axl. It hurts a little too much to be happy for you my pregnant friends, it reminds me of all the things that were recently ripped away from me a little too fast. It also reminds me of the things I will not get to do with my own son, there will not be maternity pictures, there will not be a gender reveal party, there will not be a baby shower, and there will not be a new little baby to cuddle in my arms. There will not be a lot of things that I get to experience with  my little boy and it just hurts a little too much. My friends who want to go out and have a good time on a Friday night, I am sorry it hurts a little too much. It hurts a little too much to smile and laugh without thinking about my son and not talking about him when I need to. I know you may be not be comfortable talking about him, but I need to and it hurts too much to ignore the fact he was here. It hurts to walk by our nursery and see the door closed as I know there are many different supplied that should have been used by my son, but now they sit empty and are just waiting. The pain is just too real to deal with some of these things right now, but how do  I go day to day without running into these pains? I face these things that hurt just a little too much on a daily basis and I try to be strong, but sometimes it hurts too much to be strong. There are times where the hurt is too much and I want to hide from all the pain...

Feeling Lost

It is a strange feeling to go from planning for a baby to not having a baby anymore. We had a pack n' play, high chair, bassinet, baby clothes, diapers, stroller, and car seat all set up and ready to go, and then we were told our baby was gone. He had a room getting set up for him and now it is like a museum of items that were never used, but we can't get rid of. I went from making guest lists for baby showers, and a baby registry to not knowing what to do with my life. I am lost, where do I go with my life now? I had the next months and years planned out. I was supposed to be cuddling a baby, watching my son grow, and spending time with him as he learned new things. How do I just drop everything I was going to do with my son and move on with my life? I am not sure what to do this summer as I did not take a summer teaching job due to my son being due this summer. I planned on making everything for my little man and getting ready for him until he came. It has been two weeks now to the day, and I am just not sure what to do. I feel like some of my choices are just to keep me busy. I am signing up for masters classes, a summer course for reading foundations, and making plans of what to do around the house. So how does one go from baby planning back to a "normal" life without feeling like they are forgetting their child, but not getting lost still?

Guilty Feelings

I never thought I would feel guilty after my son passed away. This is a feeling that consumes me recently. I am feeling guilty that after I went back to work I am not thinking of my son as much, or as much as I think I should anyways. I feel guilty that I am laughing, that I have a smile on my face at times, that I am talking about other things than just him. I feel guilty that I am back in my routine with my students at school and I enjoy being around them. I feel guilty that it has almost been two weeks since his passing and I am not sitting at home grieving his loss still. There is not a handbook to tell you what is normal for grieving the loss of your child and it is hard to know what you should be doing. I know my son would not want me crying all the time and we would want his mommy to be happy again, I just feel like I might be betraying Axl in the ways I should be honoring him instead.

In other ways I am feeling guilty lately is that I want another baby. I miss those feelings of kicks and movements all the time. I even  miss the morning sickness right now because I knew it was my little guys way of letting mom know he was there. I miss the anticipation and excitement of going to doctors appointments of listening to the heart beat to the different ultrasounds. I feel guilty for wanting another baby so soon, it has almost been 2 weeks since he passed. I want another baby, not to replace Axl but to be excited again, go through all those good feelings, and to feel the movements of a baby again. I want to be able to share the kicks with my husband and have him get just as excited as I was when I could feel our son. I just miss everything about being pregnant and I want that again, but I also want a happy ending. I will never forgot my baby boy Axl, but I also don't want to hold on to him so tight I don't live my life. I struggle with how to hold onto my baby boy, but to move on and live my life.  How does a mother do this, how can she move on and have more babies, but yet keep her Angel Baby in her life as well?

Not all words are helpful

From the first day I found out I had lost my little boy I have heard these words over and over. As many women think it is comforting to tell me "I know how to you feel, I had a miscarriage too" it is not comforting. I want to yell and scream at these women and say "Did you have to deliver your baby, go through contractions and labor pains, did you have to hold your dead baby in your arms?!?!?!?" If not you DO NOT know how I am feeling right now! I also want to ask these mothers that had miscarriages if their bodies thought they had a living baby after it happened. I want to ask them if they had breast milk come in, if they had to deal with the wonderful things that come with vaginal births, and if they had to deal with these confusing feelings of what do I do with a body that thinks my baby is living? Only a few women (mothers) truly know how I am feeling and those are women who did not have a miscarriage, but they gave birth to stillborn babies. These women are the ones who understand these feelings I am having and what I am going through. Though I am not saying their loss is any less, it is not the same. The feeling of going through labor and delivery knowing your baby will not come out kicking and screaming is heart breaking, and then holding that lifeless body in your arms and looking at them is heart breaking. It was not easy to look at my son and see him looking like my husband already, he was perfect, exactly what we had hoped for. However, he did not get to fulfill the dreams we had for him or to know how much we really do love him. I have not had a miscarriage during the first trimester so I am not sure how those mothers feel, but I felt like I had totally lost a piece of myself when my son died and I gave birth to him. This was not supposed to happen after the second trimester, it WAS NOT supposed to happen!

Another phrase my husband and I have been hearing all too often that is not comforting is "You are young and can have another baby". I want to ask these people if they are suggesting we replace our son like a pet? Will we have other babies? Yes, yes we will, but it will not be replacing our son, it will be giving our son a younger sibling to watch over. All of our living children will know about their brother in heaven, we have a son, we are parents, our child is just in heaven not on earth with us. I will talk about my son, celebrate my son on his birthdays and other holidays, and I will be a mother to my child in heaven. My son will not be forgotten, Axl will always be remembered.

I know people have a hard time figuring out what to say, but I want people to know that they need to really pay attention to some of these comments. If you don't know what to say, saying nothing is best. If the only thing you say to me is "I'm sorry for your loss" that is better than telling me you can have another baby. I want people to know that these two comments are the ones that have hurt and angered me the most in this short week of losing my son.

Going back to work

Today was my first day back to work since the loss of our son. I thankfully had a whole week off due to spring break when we started this whole journey of being parents of an angel. As I went to bed last night I started thinking of what am I going to do if a student asks a hard question, what happens if a student comes up to me before they have been told about what happened and notices, how will I get through this day??? It was then I began to cry, cry because there was this uneasy feeling and unknown of how my day would go. My husband just held me and let me cry, telling me he was proud of how strong I have been and I deserved to cry. I then tried to sleep before what I knew would be a long emotional day.

As I got ready for work this morning I began to think about having to tell my students or listen to others tell my students that my son had died. It was then I knew it would be a hard day as tears ran down my face. I finished getting ready and got in my car, as soon as I began to drive I looked at the clear blue sky and asked my son Axl for strength. I knew I would need to be stronger than ever before on this day and I needed his help. As my drive went on I began to cry and have a mini anxiety attack, I did not want to tell students my son died, I didn't want to live in this reality. It was then my husband came to my rescue again, as I talked with him and telling him I don't think I can do this, I can't make it today, he told me " You are strong, you can do this and those kids need you; you are good at what you do". It was then I knew I had to be there for my kids, yes MY KIDS at school. I still had kids that needed me. Are these kids my biological children? No, but they are my kids! I teach them, love them, and celebrate things with them on a weekly basis. I knew these kids that I always call my own would be there for me in my time of need, but they also needed me.

When I pulled into the parking lot a flood of emotions ran over me. I was scared, nervous, and slightly happy to be back at school. I first walked in and was met by many hugs from my school family. I knew I could make it with all of those amazing people already showing me support. There were some who I could tell were uncomfortable and did not know what to say or do. These people either did say anything or just said a simple I am sorry for your loss. Though many people were there to listen, ask questions and really wanted to know how things were going. It was the people who showed they truly cared and wanted to know that made this day easy. It was nice to talk to the few about how I truly felt, what it was like giving birth to my son knowing he was not living, and what I am afraid of with the future in mind. Then it was time to actually see my students, it was time for them to learn about the tragic news. I was headed to 3rd grade first, my amazing principal was there to tell them what happened, I couldn't do it on my own. After she talked with them, I took my students and went to my room. They didn't have any questions, they were quiet and didn't know what to do. Though as our time passed they started asking me about my bracelet and necklace representing my baby boy. After my third grade students I was headed to fourth grade. When I came to fourth grade these students were not told the news yet. As I walked into the room I had a few girls come to be recognizing I was much smaller now and asked "Did the baby come out?" I was caught off guard, how do I answer this question??? I reluctantly replied with "Yes, the baby came out",  though they were excited, they thought all was okay. "Was it s boy or girl?!?!?" The next question came out, I replied, it was a boy. Then they wanted to know more, I just said we will have a conversation in a little bit, please wait. After a short time, my wonderful and amazing co-teacher in fourth grade held a class meeting. She started out talking to the students by relating it back to them. She stated that sometimes life is hard and kept on that thought. Our students do have some hard lives and they can relate to something that makes their lives hard. Then came the part where she started talking to them about me. As many of the girls were excited that I was pregnant it was hard for them to hear that my baby was born, but it went to heaven. She then told the students that if they had questions they could ask, but had to understand I may not want to talk to them about it. After the class meeting we moved on. It was a short time after one of my kiddos was crying. She needed to talk, I took her to the hall and asked her what was wrong. She said I feel so sad for you, and she just wanted to know why the baby had to die. How do you answer a question like this? How do you tell a child that sometimes it is not meant to be? I tried to explain to her the best I could as to why he couldn't live, she seemed to be okay with the answer and we moved on. Then I had another student ask the same thing, and then I had a student ask about my jewelry. I know they probably want to ask more questions, but they are also hurting emotionally because they see me hurting and they also will not be able to meet this little baby they were so impatiently waiting for. I then spent the rest of my day trying to make it through without breaking down. I made it, I made it!!!! I made it through my first day back, and I know it will be a tough road ahead, but it will be one that I need to go down.

Memorial for baby Axl

April 11, 2015 was supposed to be a different day though, it should have been the day of our gender reveal party. We should have been celebrating happiness and joy for our little boy. Instead we spent that day having a memorial service for our son. My husband and I knew it was a boy from day one, not sure why but there was a strong feeling it was a boy. We had made plans for our little boy and had started dreaming about all the things he would do as he grew. As our little boy had been born a week prior this was had changed all together, it was no long filled with joy, happiness, and dreams. This was was now filled with mourning, broken hearts, and tears as we said good bye to him. It was not a final good bye, it was a see you later little boy. As we released balloons in his honor saying "Baby Boy" as we should have been celebrating his gender this day, the pain of losing him came rushing back. Once again I wished it was all a horrible nightmare and none of this was real. As this nightmare is all too real, I am glad to have my amazing husband by my side and help me get through this. He has been my shining light at the end of this dark tunnel. I know he is grieving in his own way, but if he was not here to hold me when I cry, to tell me everything will be okay, that our little boy had great things to do in heaven, and that someday we will be blessed with a rainbow baby I am not sure I could handle this loss. This loss of a child that I have been earning for, dreaming of, and planning for and it was all ripped from us in a moment.

As this loss of our son Axl has been hard, it is nice to know we have family and friends that are there for us. This was shown to us as we celebrated Axl's short life at his memorial service. At this service I was happy to share my little boy's items, his story, and celebrate his life with them as if he had been with us for years, not weeks. So for now my sweet Angel Boy, I will see you in the morning light and in the starry night. We will see you again one day, and we will get to be a family together, not apart.

A Letter to our Angel Baby

This is a letter that I wrote after I delivered our son. He was born to us at 18 weeks as an Angel at a precious little size of 10 inches and 11 ounces.

To our little angel baby Axl Lynn,

Daddy and I found out we were expecting you at Christmas time, you were one of the best Christmas presents we could have ever asked for. As soon as we found out we couldn’t keep it a secret for long.  On Christmas day we told your Grandpas and Grandmas, along with your Aunts and Uncle we would have another baby next year with us at Christmas. Everyone was very happy and excited; we made your Aunt Torri cry! You were about 4 weeks old when we found out about you.

Though we waited until our very first time seeing you to tell everyone else about our very exciting news, it was hard to keep it a secret.  My little Angel, you gave Daddy and I our next gift on Mommy’s birthday 2/6/15.  That is when we got to see you for the very first time. Your heartbeat was a strong 165 bmp, and you were very tiny since you were around 10 weeks old the very first time we saw you. Daddy said you looked like a frog. J We were able to bring little pictures of you home to show everyone.  That night after seeing you for the first time we couldn’t keep it a secret any more. We told your Great Grandma and Grandpa Ripley about you, and they were very excited like the rest of us. After telling them we couldn’t wait any longer, we had to announce it to everyone. Daddy being a fan of video games had a wonderful idea. We placed two of Daddy’s controllers on the floor next to a brand new one with your picture saying player three was joining the game. It was the best feeling to announce to everyone we were expecting our little buddle of joy.

As we all shared in the happiness over the next four weeks I couldn’t wait to get to hear your heart beat again. On March 6^th I got to listen to your heartbeat and it was a strong 155 bpm.  Little did Mommy know this would be the last time she would get to hear that wonderful sound. I now wish I would have been able to record it for Daddy to hear for the last time too.  When I left that appointment I made one to listen to your heartbeat on 4/3/15. Then, Daddy and I were supposed to go 4/9/15 to find out if you were a boy or girl. We were very excited to get to find out if you were a boy or a girl and couldn’t wait. Mommy had a strong feeling that you were a boy since the day she found out about you. Little did I know I was right!

Mommy and Daddy started picking out little things for you, and then a few big things too. We set up your pack n’ play, high chair, and bassinet in anticipation. We just couldn’t wait to get your room ready.  Daddy had big plans for you too. Since we felt deeply in our hearts you were a boy before we really knew yet, Daddy was ready to take you riding in cars and on dirt bikes. I was convinced you would learn to ride before you learned how to walk or talk.  I eventually found out that you were meant to ride bikes when I felt your strong kicks. I tried to have Daddy feel your kicks through my belly, but you would play around and not kick when daddy was there. I am not sure Daddy could feel them since they were faintly felt through my belly, but apparently you wanted to wait to show Daddy your kicking abilities.  Daddy said you were excited for Super Cross. He must have been right because you were kicking away and seemed to want to ride. Mommy felt your strong little kicks for the last time that she remembers on Tuesday. You were a little quiet on Wednesday, and I didn’t feel you kick at all on Thursday. Mommy just thought you might be very tired!

On 4/3/15 (Friday) Mommy was very excited to listen to your heartbeat again, hoping for a strong beat again. As Mommy went to her appointment she laid down on the table and the doctor was trying to use their Doppler Machine to find your little heartbeat. The doctor could only hear Mommy’s heartbeat and thought maybe you were trying to hide on us so we moved to doing an ultrasound. Mommy was kind of excited for that because she could see you too! When the doctor started the Ultrasound Mommy got a little scared because she wasn’t hearing anything and the Doctor looked a little concerned. After a little while the doctor told Mommy that she was very sorry, but she could not find a heartbeat. She said she wanted to bring in another doctor to make sure she didn’t miss anything. Mommy knew she was just being nice and knew that she was right.  She didn’t need another doctor to tell her. Another doctor came in and looked at you. Once again, she too could not find your heartbeat. This doctor started talking about other things she’d seen. She said you had fluid around your skull and tummy. This meant you died about a day ago. Mommy was wrong you weren’t sleeping on Thursday when she couldn’t feel you; you had gone to heaven instead. Mommy’s doctor let her call Daddy at work, it was the hardest phone call Mommy has ever had to make. Daddy didn’t want to believe it when she told him. Daddy traveled as fast as he could to get to the doctor’s office. When Daddy arrived we cried for a while, and then the Doctor came in to talk with us. She told Mommy she would have to go to the hospital, and they would induce labor so you could be born. This was hard to hear knowing I would have to give birth to you knowing you were already a little angel. Mommy and Daddy saw you again on the Ultrasound so the doctor could show Daddy that there was not a heartbeat anymore. She took some pictures of you and then we talked some more. Mommy and Daddy just wanted to know what happened to you.  She didn’t have an answer for us until you were born, but she gave us possibilities. We then left the doctor’s heartbroken and came home to get ready to go to the hospital to have you.

We arrived at the hospital around 3:30pm and checked in. Everyone was very nice to us.  Mommy knew they were only being extra nice because they knew you were an angel already.  Shortly after we got there they took us to get more Ultrasounds done. I did not want this but knew it had to be done. They took more pictures of you to make sure your body grew properly and you had all your organs. Sadly, after all of this they couldn’t tell much because of the fluid that was around your skull and tummy. This meant that we couldn’t get any answers as to what happened to you until you were born. Mommy was given the medicine to induce labor around 5:00pm. Your Grandma Nighbert, Grandma and Grandpa Ripley, and Aunt Amanda all came up to see Mommy and Daddy. We all talked about you a little bit, about what we knew so far and then talked about other things as well. It was hard not to cry when we talked about you.

After all of your loving visitors left it was just Mommy and Daddy waiting for your arrival. Mommy didn’t feel any signs of labor so they gave her more medicine around 9:00pm, 1:00am, and then again around 5:00am. Mommy couldn’t get any sleep due to being uncomfortable, sad, and heartbroken every time she heard another Mommy get to hear the sound of her baby crying. I would have loved to hear that just once with you.  It was shortly after 5:00am Mommy started feeling contractions. This meant you were getting ready, or at least Mommy’s body was getting ready to have you. The contractions started getting stronger and hurt. Daddy was there to help Mommy through this and held her hand. It wasn’t long, and around 5:26am Mommy had Daddy call the doctor in to the room. Mommy delivered her sweet little angel on 4/4/15. Since we didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl the doctor looked first thing and told us you were a boy. Mommy and Daddy decided to name you Axl Lynn. Axl is for all the things you will do in heaven working on cars and bikes, and like Daddy said when we knew you were an angel God needed more 50cc riders in Heaven. Your middle name Lynn is after Daddy’s middle name. We hope all your family members met you in Heaven as soon as you arrived. We know they will take good care of you while Mommy and Daddy have to wait their turns to see you.  Mommy and Daddy enjoyed getting to hold you and see your little face. You looked a lot like Daddy already. We took pictures with you, cried over you, and just held your precious little body. You were very tiny, but left a very large imprint on Mommy and Daddy’s lives. It was hard leaving the hospital without you and knowing we would never get to bring you home, but for some reason God needed you. The Doctor said you were born with a cleft palette and said something happened with your genetics, which is why you were not able to make it through the whole pregnancy. Mommy and Daddy were relieved to have an answer as to why we couldn’t bring you home, but it still hurts.

 Axl, Mommy and Daddy will think of you often, cry over you, and celebrate small things with you even though you are in Heaven. We love you and will be waiting for our chance to see our little boy one day when we join you in Heaven. For now keep an eye on everyone and know we love you and will never stop loving you. We will miss you as we have to celebrate your birthdays without you, and all of the Holidays we know you would have loved. We will be telling your story as much as we can, and your future little brothers and sisters will know about their big brother in heaven. You will be a part of our family and will forever be remembered by everyone in it.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy