The Rainbow, will it stay bright?

Well it has been a long time since I have been on here... it is almost easier to not think about all of what we have been through and let life consume you.

This journey has definitely been one roller coaster  I didn't think we would ever be on. However, after trying for another baby for almost 2 years and a long process, we are finally pregnant with what I hope to be our Rainbow Baby. A Rainbow Baby is a child that is born living after one that has passed away. It is a little scary as my due date for this bundle of joy is 2 days past the due date of our Angel Axl Lynn. Axl Lynn: August 31, 2015. Rainbow Baby: September 2, 2017. A 2 year difference to the date almost. It has always been a thought of mine about having children 2 years apart, I never thought I would have children two years apart while one is watching over in Heaven. I have this feeling that Axl will bless us with his brother or sister on his due date though, that would be something very special.

The joys of being pregnant again have been followed by worry and concern. As I sit here typing this I am 18 weeks today, it was only 18 weeks and 4 days when Axl passed away in utero. I know I will be worried awaiting for 18 weeks and 4 days to come to be able to see if my child has once again passed away, or if we now get to go into uncharted territories with this pregnancy. This pregnancy has been completely different from my pregnancy with Axl, which brings me comfort but also brings me anxiety. What will happen this time, what if I don't know anything is wrong, will I get to hold my LIVING child this time, or will it end in the same way as before sitting and holding a beautiful little angel that was too precious for earth?

I wonder if it will get easier after we get passed the date of Axl's passing in this pregnancy. Will I ever be able to feel safe carrying my child? Will I get to fully enjoy this pregnancy without worry that my child may have just passed away inside me?

 The journey continues as we come up on Axl's Birthday, Rainbow Baby's future, and what our lives will have in store for us. How will this new journey be different from last time?

As the Journey Continues

This journey never ended with the death of our son, this Journey has led us down a path that I never knew we would be down. Axl's death may have happened so we would end up down this path, maybe not...I guess I will never know until I gt to Heaven.

This journey is...the dreaded word of infertility. We got pregnant before, why would we be going down a path of infertility? Well our little boy has been gone for a year and almost 4 months and we have not had any luck getting pregnant again, and it is not due to lack of trying.

As this new journey has started I can't help but feel hopeless. How many different methods are we going to have to try, how much money will we need to spend, will we even be able to do all of this? I would give anything in the world to have children, I mean you can take my right arm if you need to. I am nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, and just plain scared of what is yet to come. Will we even be able to have a baby? I guess my journey is just starting and I will have to wait and see.

However, this journey does lead me to be more judgemental of others when it comes time in their lives when they are complaining about their hardships. Often I see people complaining about how their new born is sucking all their energy and they are unable to sleep, the girl who wants to get married to her boyfriend but he isn't ready, the couple who announced they are pregnant but this isn't how they wanted it to happen. I just want to scream at these people.

To the mom who is sleep deprived, be thankful! Your child is here with you, living, healthy, and happy. They are learning and growing, take it all in and you will be able to sleep more once they begin to sleep more. I know it is hard, but it is better than holding your dead child's body in your arms.

To the girl who wants to get married to her long term boyfriend, it will happen. Let it happen when he is ready, the only thing that will change in your relationship when you get married is your last name. You already have a child, you already have a house, you have everything but a last name. He will be ready at one point, don't push him. Be happy!

To the couple who just found out they are pregnant at the "wrong time", there is no wrong time. A baby is a blessing, and take that blessing with pride. Pray the pregnancy goes well and you can hold a living breathing healthy baby. You will never want to experience the loss of that baby, it eats away at your soul and changes the being you are. The loss of a child brings in an emptiness into every aspect of your life you never knew was possible.

As this journey continues it actually gets harder, I thought it would be easier as it goes, but it get harder and harder...I hope there is a happy ending in sight.

The Revolving Door

It has been 1 year, 1 month, and 27 days since this door started revolving....

The revolving door is never ending through this journey. The revolving door of emotions happens every month. First you are happy and enjoying life, then you get depressed, sad, and then angry at the whole situation. Once you have gone through those stages, you then begin to accept it all over again, and you get back to happy. Though I am not sure my happy now is the same happy I was before Axl's death. I think my happy is surviving each day without crying and knowing I still have my husband by my side.

This viscous revolving door happens each time a person announces a pregnancy, I see a pregnant women, or a baby is just born. It also happens each month those two pink lines do not appear on a pregnancy test. It is hard to want something so much and be denied of it in every way.  I sit and cry pleading with god to give us just one baby that lives, to give us a little glimmer of hope, and to give us break from all of the heart break we have endured. This revolving door does not just happen with me, I see it with my husband too. It breaks my heart as I have to tell him each month we didn't get pregnant this time either. It is hard seeing him get hopeful only to have to shred every inch of hope apart. It starts to take a toll on you, emotionally, mentally, and even physically sometimes.

I know this journey will more than likely have a longer path we still need to travel, but I would like this journey to end. I would love to surprise my husband one day with those two pink lines and tell him he is going to be a daddy again. I hope I get to tell him that, though I have this feeling our revolving door will never end...

Irrational Fears

It is the irrational fears that follow the death of your child that end up consuming your life. You lost your child in such a quick moment, who is to say it will not happen to anyone else you love. As my husband leaves without me every time he goes to work, to the store, or any other errand I have the irrational fear he will be killed. If I have not heard from him throughout the day panic sets in. My brain starts racing he could be hurt, killed, or something else has happened to him to where he cannot reach me. In that moment all I want to do is be with him, have him home and safe where I know everything is okay. My irrational fear has only grown since losing our son, it grows more and more as it has been longer since Axl has been gone. You never know what will happen, because no one has promised tomorrow, today, or this hour. I hope this irrational fear of losing everyone I love dwindles away at some point, but it is also the reminder to make sure I say I love you. In some ways my irrational fear has taught me to love more and live in the moment.

It's not Christmas without you

Here we are again, we are sitting through another holiday you should have been here for. Our sweet baby boy, this should have been your first Christmas here with us. It was this time last year we told your Grandparents and Aunts/Uncles we were expecting you, and by this time next year there would be another Grandchild at Christmas. This is not how we pictured spending this Christmas, it was supposed to be filled with joy, happiness, and loving our new baby. This Christmas doesn’t bring the joy that we dreamt of, it doesn’t even come close to feeling like Christmas. There are no presents under the tree; there is nothing but emptiness that fills our hearts. Our little Axl Lynn, we tried hard to be happy this year, but there isn’t a bit of happiness knowing you are not here. We wish you a Merry Christmas knowing you are safe up in Heaven, but wish you could have spent it here with us.

Awaiting for the storm to end...

As this has been a journey I never thought I would be traveling, I am also read for this storm to end. At the end of every storm, they say there is a rainbow and I am ready for my rainbow. I love Axl more than I have loved anything in my life and I am ready to love like that again.

It has been a hard road to travel trying to find that rainbow, with many many turns that were unexpected and road blocks along the way. I am waiting for that rainbow to just shine bright in the sky and say "I am here, everything is okay now". I know deep down inside that another baby won't "fix" things, but I would love for us to have our little rainbow and be able to share the love we have for Axl with a sibling of his. It is hard as each month passes and that rainbow does not appear. I am not sure if I am wanting that rainbow to ease the pain, or if I want that rainbow so our family can feel whole.

It is hard at times knowing that our son should be almost 2 months old, he should be doing things with us and he should be a part of our everyday lives. Don't get me wrong he is still very much part of our everyday lives, just not in the way we had dreamed. It is hard knowing that our son doesn't come up in everyday conversation to ask how he is, what is he able to do now, he isn't even brought up by family to even let us know they still care. This is a new road for us all to travel down, but it is hard knowing that our son is a subject no one knows how to talk about. If we bring him up people feel sorry for us and we get sympathy. I just want to scream at them, I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN ABOUT OUR SON!!! We want to talk about him, think about what he might be doing, what he might be into, and what his favorite things might be. My husband and I had that conversation last weekend about what Axl might be like. We talked about how he might not have even been into dirtbikes at all like we dreamed, he might of been into dance or other sports. It is nice to have those conversations and think about what he might of been like. It is also very heart wrenching having to make things up about him and not getting to know him as a person. I am sure Axl is looking down and he is very happy and proud that his parents have not forgot about him and still talk about him.

It is the storm we live in, it is the storm we have lived in since April, it is the storm we will continue to live in, until a bright ray of sunshine comes through the clouds and delivers us a rainbow. Though that rainbow will not take the storm away, it will just give us a little bit of sunshine to look forward to. It is that sunshine we await for so we can see the beautiful colors that a rainbow can bring. It is a rainbow that we await for, a rainbow that can help us find our way out of the storm and see the light in the darkness we have been living in.

We pray for a rainbow, just one little rainbow to brighten our days and help take away the pain that a storm brought upon us. Though we still want that storm to stay to remind us of how beautiful and grateful we should be one day when the rainbow comes our way.

Due Date

To our sweet little baby boy in heaven,

Axl, today is the day you were due August 31, 2015. This was supposed to be one of the happiest days of our life. Our sweet little angel, you were supposed to come home with mommy and daddy today. However, that is not the case. You are now in heaven looking over us and watching mommy and daddy live life without you, it has been a hard 22 weeks without you. There are times I walk into your room with all of your things and just wonder about what you are doing up there in heaven. I look at the pack n’ play, bassinet, stroller, car seat, high chair, diapers, and baby clothes that are sitting in that room all unused. It is hard to know that you will never get to use them either. I look at your daddy when he is with your cousin Aubree and I just think about how he would have been with you. I think about him being an amazing father like he is an amazing uncle. Though your daddy is still an amazing father with you up there in heaven, there is not a time that goes by that he doesn’t have you with him in some way possible. We think about you often, love you everyday, and hope you were greeted by loving family members when you went to heaven.  It is hard watching all the firsts that you will miss with us. You will miss your first in every way possible, first bath, first word, first step, first birthday, first holiday. I sit back and watch others achieving their firsts and I am only able to think about how you will never get that. I hope you are able to achieve these things in heaven with your loved ones up there watching you grow. As today comes and goes it will be a bittersweet day, I am sad that I do not have you with me but I know that you were here for a short time because you were meant to make a difference somewhere, whether it is me writing about it, or you having to be in heaven I know it happened for a reason. We love you Axl and we know you are doing great things. We can’t wait to meet you in heaven one day and we hope you continue to watch over us and hopefully will be able to watch your siblings grow one day. We will never let your memories fade away as you will always be a part of our family.