As this has been a journey I never thought I would be traveling, I am also read for this storm to end. At the end of every storm, they say there is a rainbow and I am ready for my rainbow. I love Axl more than I have loved anything in my life and I am ready to love like that again.
It has been a hard road to travel trying to find that rainbow, with many many turns that were unexpected and road blocks along the way. I am waiting for that rainbow to just shine bright in the sky and say "I am here, everything is okay now". I know deep down inside that another baby won't "fix" things, but I would love for us to have our little rainbow and be able to share the love we have for Axl with a sibling of his. It is hard as each month passes and that rainbow does not appear. I am not sure if I am wanting that rainbow to ease the pain, or if I want that rainbow so our family can feel whole.
It is hard at times knowing that our son should be almost 2 months old, he should be doing things with us and he should be a part of our everyday lives. Don't get me wrong he is still very much part of our everyday lives, just not in the way we had dreamed. It is hard knowing that our son doesn't come up in everyday conversation to ask how he is, what is he able to do now, he isn't even brought up by family to even let us know they still care. This is a new road for us all to travel down, but it is hard knowing that our son is a subject no one knows how to talk about. If we bring him up people feel sorry for us and we get sympathy. I just want to scream at them, I DON'T WANT YOUR SYMPATHY, I WANT YOU TO LISTEN ABOUT OUR SON!!! We want to talk about him, think about what he might be doing, what he might be into, and what his favorite things might be. My husband and I had that conversation last weekend about what Axl might be like. We talked about how he might not have even been into dirtbikes at all like we dreamed, he might of been into dance or other sports. It is nice to have those conversations and think about what he might of been like. It is also very heart wrenching having to make things up about him and not getting to know him as a person. I am sure Axl is looking down and he is very happy and proud that his parents have not forgot about him and still talk about him.
It is the storm we live in, it is the storm we have lived in since April, it is the storm we will continue to live in, until a bright ray of sunshine comes through the clouds and delivers us a rainbow. Though that rainbow will not take the storm away, it will just give us a little bit of sunshine to look forward to. It is that sunshine we await for so we can see the beautiful colors that a rainbow can bring. It is a rainbow that we await for, a rainbow that can help us find our way out of the storm and see the light in the darkness we have been living in.
We pray for a rainbow, just one little rainbow to brighten our days and help take away the pain that a storm brought upon us. Though we still want that storm to stay to remind us of how beautiful and grateful we should be one day when the rainbow comes our way.
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