This journey never ended with the death of our son, this Journey has led us down a path that I never knew we would be down. Axl's death may have happened so we would end up down this path, maybe not...I guess I will never know until I gt to Heaven.
This journey is...the dreaded word of infertility. We got pregnant before, why would we be going down a path of infertility? Well our little boy has been gone for a year and almost 4 months and we have not had any luck getting pregnant again, and it is not due to lack of trying.
As this new journey has started I can't help but feel hopeless. How many different methods are we going to have to try, how much money will we need to spend, will we even be able to do all of this? I would give anything in the world to have children, I mean you can take my right arm if you need to. I am nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, and just plain scared of what is yet to come. Will we even be able to have a baby? I guess my journey is just starting and I will have to wait and see.
However, this journey does lead me to be more judgemental of others when it comes time in their lives when they are complaining about their hardships. Often I see people complaining about how their new born is sucking all their energy and they are unable to sleep, the girl who wants to get married to her boyfriend but he isn't ready, the couple who announced they are pregnant but this isn't how they wanted it to happen. I just want to scream at these people.
To the mom who is sleep deprived, be thankful! Your child is here with you, living, healthy, and happy. They are learning and growing, take it all in and you will be able to sleep more once they begin to sleep more. I know it is hard, but it is better than holding your dead child's body in your arms.
To the girl who wants to get married to her long term boyfriend, it will happen. Let it happen when he is ready, the only thing that will change in your relationship when you get married is your last name. You already have a child, you already have a house, you have everything but a last name. He will be ready at one point, don't push him. Be happy!
To the couple who just found out they are pregnant at the "wrong time", there is no wrong time. A baby is a blessing, and take that blessing with pride. Pray the pregnancy goes well and you can hold a living breathing healthy baby. You will never want to experience the loss of that baby, it eats away at your soul and changes the being you are. The loss of a child brings in an emptiness into every aspect of your life you never knew was possible.
As this journey continues it actually gets harder, I thought it would be easier as it goes, but it get harder and harder...I hope there is a happy ending in sight.
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