The wait was over

The wait for results on the tissue samples that were taken from Axl and the placenta was finally over. We have results now, but I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be when I received the information. I listened to the doctor as she said they tested different chromosomes, karyotypes, and other causes of still birth, all I could hear was her say everything was normal. When the word normal came out I melted a little in my seat. If everything was normal then why did my baby die, there has to be a reason, right? This was not the news I wanted to hear. I am a person who needs to know the why, how, and make sense of everything and this did not make sense to me. I wanted the doctor to tell me that something was wrong and they knew what happened to him, it is a hard reality to accept that your baby died for unknown reasons. As I kept playing the information over and over in my head I started to doubt myself as a good mother. I started to question, what did I do wrong? I felt that if the doctors couldn't find something then it must have been me, I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant for him to die. I then started playing things over and over in my head. I was thinking and then I created a possible thing I did wrong. I had severe morning sickness and a few days out of every week for a couple of weeks I was unable to take my prenatal without throwing it back up, well that was it, I caused my baby to die with my lack of prenatal vitamins those days. I then started thinking, well with the lack of prenatals while I had severe morning sickness, I also did a lot of moving small items up an down our stairs while we were making room for baby in one of the spare rooms. I never picked up anything that was too heavy, but I did a lot of up and down the stairs, this had to cause something to go wrong. It was my fault right, I did this to my son....

Later that night, while my husband and I were talking about it, he pointed out that I did nothing wrong, I couldn't stop the morning sickness and I tried to take my vitamins. He also pointed out to me that I shouldn't be looking for a reason, I needed to accept that it just happened and we may never know why. As I thought about it I knew deep down inside he was right, I just needed a reason why my baby was taken from me. I processed this thought through the next day and I realized, I may never know why he was called to heaven so soon, but I do know he is being cared for by many loving family members. I know that my little baby boy is up there watching over me and protecting me everyday. It was hard to come to, but I am at peace with him being in heaven now. It will not always be easy, it will be hard at times but I know I have an angel looking over me. I hope that our baby boy Axl will bless his mommy and daddy with another baby that is hand picked by him and we will get to tell that sibling about an angel up in heaven that is looking down on us.