Mother's Day for an Angel mom

As Mother's Day approached I was dreading it. What mother wants to celebrate a day without the children to made her become a mom? I was afraid of this day for many reasons. One reason I was afraid is due to people possibly forgetting about me being a mother and it would just be another day. I was afraid of having to live with the reality that I would not get to cuddle my little boy on this day, I had to talk to him in heaven instead. This hurt as I would not get to hear my baby ever say "I love you mom", nor would I ever get to sped any Mother's Day with my son Axl. I did not want this day to come, but I could not stop it. As it got closer I became more distant, depressed, and I started feeling guilty again for being happy without my son. I wondered if I could ever like this day...

I can say the pain hurt the most as I heard a coworker wish another pregnant coworker happy Mother's Day, and as I stand next to them, I was not wished the same, or acknowledged. That pain was the beginning to my fear of being forgotten as a Mother. Though I did have another coworker that is also an amazing friend and my other half while I am at work give me a gift and wish me a Happy Mother's day. This was a step in the right direction of what I needed, but I also knew she would not have forgotten about me and my son. It is an odd place to be in, you have amazing friends that will treat you like a parent and help you heal along the way, then you have people who either forgot about you or they don't know what to say. I can only speak for myself, but I want to be treated like I have my child here on earth with me. I want to talk about him, be remembered as a parent, and enjoy my time I had with my little guy.

Well, as Sunday morning approached and I could not hid from it any longer my amazing husband wakes me up with a "Happy Mother's Day", he then tell me that Axl is watching me today and wants me to enjoy it. I thanked him, as it made me happy that he acknowledged me being a mother, it also saddened. I was then told Happy Mother's Day by several other people along with "I am thinking of you". It was nice to know that not only were people still seeing me as a mother, but they were also realizing it was going to be a tough day and they were thinking about me. I tried to stay strong, but I could not help but cry, be sad, and want to curl up and do nothing. This was something I was not sure of how to handle. Do I just go with what I am feeling, or do I force myself to go out and do things? I didn't have an answer then, nor do I have one now. I did a limited amount of things and did not leave the house until we went grocery shopping. It was a hard day to get through, and it impacted me more than I noticed. Mother's day brought me emotionally back to where I was when I first lost Axl, I was depressed, mad, wanted to ignore people and just be alone. I then realized I will have many days that will probably bring me back to this spot. August (his due date) will be hard, and all the holidays that would have been his firsts. As I realized this it helped me heal a little faster this time, I will have ups and downs but I cannot let these days tear me down. When I went to bed Sunday I was able to go to bead with ease knowing I was acknowledged as a mother by many, and no one could take that away from me. I AM A MOTHER!!!