Mother's Day for an Angel mom

As Mother's Day approached I was dreading it. What mother wants to celebrate a day without the children to made her become a mom? I was afraid of this day for many reasons. One reason I was afraid is due to people possibly forgetting about me being a mother and it would just be another day. I was afraid of having to live with the reality that I would not get to cuddle my little boy on this day, I had to talk to him in heaven instead. This hurt as I would not get to hear my baby ever say "I love you mom", nor would I ever get to sped any Mother's Day with my son Axl. I did not want this day to come, but I could not stop it. As it got closer I became more distant, depressed, and I started feeling guilty again for being happy without my son. I wondered if I could ever like this day...

I can say the pain hurt the most as I heard a coworker wish another pregnant coworker happy Mother's Day, and as I stand next to them, I was not wished the same, or acknowledged. That pain was the beginning to my fear of being forgotten as a Mother. Though I did have another coworker that is also an amazing friend and my other half while I am at work give me a gift and wish me a Happy Mother's day. This was a step in the right direction of what I needed, but I also knew she would not have forgotten about me and my son. It is an odd place to be in, you have amazing friends that will treat you like a parent and help you heal along the way, then you have people who either forgot about you or they don't know what to say. I can only speak for myself, but I want to be treated like I have my child here on earth with me. I want to talk about him, be remembered as a parent, and enjoy my time I had with my little guy.

Well, as Sunday morning approached and I could not hid from it any longer my amazing husband wakes me up with a "Happy Mother's Day", he then tell me that Axl is watching me today and wants me to enjoy it. I thanked him, as it made me happy that he acknowledged me being a mother, it also saddened. I was then told Happy Mother's Day by several other people along with "I am thinking of you". It was nice to know that not only were people still seeing me as a mother, but they were also realizing it was going to be a tough day and they were thinking about me. I tried to stay strong, but I could not help but cry, be sad, and want to curl up and do nothing. This was something I was not sure of how to handle. Do I just go with what I am feeling, or do I force myself to go out and do things? I didn't have an answer then, nor do I have one now. I did a limited amount of things and did not leave the house until we went grocery shopping. It was a hard day to get through, and it impacted me more than I noticed. Mother's day brought me emotionally back to where I was when I first lost Axl, I was depressed, mad, wanted to ignore people and just be alone. I then realized I will have many days that will probably bring me back to this spot. August (his due date) will be hard, and all the holidays that would have been his firsts. As I realized this it helped me heal a little faster this time, I will have ups and downs but I cannot let these days tear me down. When I went to bed Sunday I was able to go to bead with ease knowing I was acknowledged as a mother by many, and no one could take that away from me. I AM A MOTHER!!!

The wait was over

The wait for results on the tissue samples that were taken from Axl and the placenta was finally over. We have results now, but I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be when I received the information. I listened to the doctor as she said they tested different chromosomes, karyotypes, and other causes of still birth, all I could hear was her say everything was normal. When the word normal came out I melted a little in my seat. If everything was normal then why did my baby die, there has to be a reason, right? This was not the news I wanted to hear. I am a person who needs to know the why, how, and make sense of everything and this did not make sense to me. I wanted the doctor to tell me that something was wrong and they knew what happened to him, it is a hard reality to accept that your baby died for unknown reasons. As I kept playing the information over and over in my head I started to doubt myself as a good mother. I started to question, what did I do wrong? I felt that if the doctors couldn't find something then it must have been me, I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant for him to die. I then started playing things over and over in my head. I was thinking and then I created a possible thing I did wrong. I had severe morning sickness and a few days out of every week for a couple of weeks I was unable to take my prenatal without throwing it back up, well that was it, I caused my baby to die with my lack of prenatal vitamins those days. I then started thinking, well with the lack of prenatals while I had severe morning sickness, I also did a lot of moving small items up an down our stairs while we were making room for baby in one of the spare rooms. I never picked up anything that was too heavy, but I did a lot of up and down the stairs, this had to cause something to go wrong. It was my fault right, I did this to my son....

Later that night, while my husband and I were talking about it, he pointed out that I did nothing wrong, I couldn't stop the morning sickness and I tried to take my vitamins. He also pointed out to me that I shouldn't be looking for a reason, I needed to accept that it just happened and we may never know why. As I thought about it I knew deep down inside he was right, I just needed a reason why my baby was taken from me. I processed this thought through the next day and I realized, I may never know why he was called to heaven so soon, but I do know he is being cared for by many loving family members. I know that my little baby boy is up there watching over me and protecting me everyday. It was hard to come to, but I am at peace with him being in heaven now. It will not always be easy, it will be hard at times but I know I have an angel looking over me. I hope that our baby boy Axl will bless his mommy and daddy with another baby that is hand picked by him and we will get to tell that sibling about an angel up in heaven that is looking down on us.

A month has passed

As I got to work today and wrote the date on my whiteboard, it slapped me in the face it has been a whole month since we lost our son, baby Axl. I didn't realize a month had passed already, it has been a crazy roller coaster of emotions I guess I didn't realize how fast time was moving. I don't feel like I lost a month of my life, I feel like time has moved too quickly. It does not feel like a month ago I was giving birth to our angel, it does not seem like it has been that long since I held his lifeless body in my arms. In this month I have been healing, but in the past month there have been so many things to happen to make losing our baby a new fresh wound all over again. I know many don't mean to, but those who didn't know we lost him and ask me how far along I am, or how I am doing makes losing him come back all over again. It is also seeing pregnant women on the store, or other announcing their pregnancies that make it hurt like we just lost him. The one that hurts the most are the moms that are due around the same time as I was and having them update how their pregnancy is going, as for mine stopped, and will no longer progress. I know there will be many things coming up that will make losing him a fresh wound all over again, for example mother's day, the month of June when I would have had baby showers going on, and the month of August when he was due. I can only hope that I can be strong like I have been to reach these moments in time and use them as times to honor my son and not be sad. I am proud to say as a mother of an angel, in just a short month I have been able to start to enjoy life again and not be sad all the time. I know my son would want his mother to be happy and enjoy life whether he was here to experience it with me or not. As many more days, months, and years pass by I will continue to honor my son in every way I know how, and my newest way is learning how to ride a dirt bike so I can enjoy time with my husband, but also enjoy a sport our son would have loved. I may be slowly learning to honor him and slowly my heart will heal and hopefully will stop being ripped open every time something reminds me of him.

Happy 1 month old Axl, Mommy and Daddy love you!

Everyone moved on...

I have noticed lately that  I feel like I am the only one left that seems to still remember my son. Everyone has moved on, he does not exist in their world anymore, he is only a part of mine. I think about him daily, I want to talk about him like everyone else gets to talk about their children. He is not even an option for discussion around everyone unless I am telling someone how sad, angry, or how much I miss him. I don't want sympathy from anyone, I just want to talk about my baby boy Axl. I want to be able to smile and share joy about him. Everyone moved on though, no one brings him up, he is like a secret no one can talk about. I wish everyone thought he was the best thing to talk about, it is not keeping me from healing if we do, it is helping me heal. I want my son to be a part of my life forever. When someone asks me if I have children, I want to be able to tell someone yes I have one child, but he is in heaven. When I say this I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I want someone to ask about him! Though lately, if  he is brought up it is with sorrow and broken hearts, why can I not talk about my son with happiness? I am starting to feel like my life is turning invisible to everyone. I don't want to pretend like my son didn't exist, I want everyone to rewind, come back and let me talk about my baby boy without feeling like they need to tell me "I'm sorry", "You will get pregnant again", or "Are you okay?" Stop moving on without me, but don't try to pull me along with you either, let me talk bout him, let him exist!!