As the Journey Continues

This journey never ended with the death of our son, this Journey has led us down a path that I never knew we would be down. Axl's death may have happened so we would end up down this path, maybe not...I guess I will never know until I gt to Heaven.

This journey is...the dreaded word of infertility. We got pregnant before, why would we be going down a path of infertility? Well our little boy has been gone for a year and almost 4 months and we have not had any luck getting pregnant again, and it is not due to lack of trying.

As this new journey has started I can't help but feel hopeless. How many different methods are we going to have to try, how much money will we need to spend, will we even be able to do all of this? I would give anything in the world to have children, I mean you can take my right arm if you need to. I am nervous, anxious, overwhelmed, and just plain scared of what is yet to come. Will we even be able to have a baby? I guess my journey is just starting and I will have to wait and see.

However, this journey does lead me to be more judgemental of others when it comes time in their lives when they are complaining about their hardships. Often I see people complaining about how their new born is sucking all their energy and they are unable to sleep, the girl who wants to get married to her boyfriend but he isn't ready, the couple who announced they are pregnant but this isn't how they wanted it to happen. I just want to scream at these people.

To the mom who is sleep deprived, be thankful! Your child is here with you, living, healthy, and happy. They are learning and growing, take it all in and you will be able to sleep more once they begin to sleep more. I know it is hard, but it is better than holding your dead child's body in your arms.

To the girl who wants to get married to her long term boyfriend, it will happen. Let it happen when he is ready, the only thing that will change in your relationship when you get married is your last name. You already have a child, you already have a house, you have everything but a last name. He will be ready at one point, don't push him. Be happy!

To the couple who just found out they are pregnant at the "wrong time", there is no wrong time. A baby is a blessing, and take that blessing with pride. Pray the pregnancy goes well and you can hold a living breathing healthy baby. You will never want to experience the loss of that baby, it eats away at your soul and changes the being you are. The loss of a child brings in an emptiness into every aspect of your life you never knew was possible.

As this journey continues it actually gets harder, I thought it would be easier as it goes, but it get harder and harder...I hope there is a happy ending in sight.

The Revolving Door

It has been 1 year, 1 month, and 27 days since this door started revolving....

The revolving door is never ending through this journey. The revolving door of emotions happens every month. First you are happy and enjoying life, then you get depressed, sad, and then angry at the whole situation. Once you have gone through those stages, you then begin to accept it all over again, and you get back to happy. Though I am not sure my happy now is the same happy I was before Axl's death. I think my happy is surviving each day without crying and knowing I still have my husband by my side.

This viscous revolving door happens each time a person announces a pregnancy, I see a pregnant women, or a baby is just born. It also happens each month those two pink lines do not appear on a pregnancy test. It is hard to want something so much and be denied of it in every way.  I sit and cry pleading with god to give us just one baby that lives, to give us a little glimmer of hope, and to give us break from all of the heart break we have endured. This revolving door does not just happen with me, I see it with my husband too. It breaks my heart as I have to tell him each month we didn't get pregnant this time either. It is hard seeing him get hopeful only to have to shred every inch of hope apart. It starts to take a toll on you, emotionally, mentally, and even physically sometimes.

I know this journey will more than likely have a longer path we still need to travel, but I would like this journey to end. I would love to surprise my husband one day with those two pink lines and tell him he is going to be a daddy again. I hope I get to tell him that, though I have this feeling our revolving door will never end...

Irrational Fears

It is the irrational fears that follow the death of your child that end up consuming your life. You lost your child in such a quick moment, who is to say it will not happen to anyone else you love. As my husband leaves without me every time he goes to work, to the store, or any other errand I have the irrational fear he will be killed. If I have not heard from him throughout the day panic sets in. My brain starts racing he could be hurt, killed, or something else has happened to him to where he cannot reach me. In that moment all I want to do is be with him, have him home and safe where I know everything is okay. My irrational fear has only grown since losing our son, it grows more and more as it has been longer since Axl has been gone. You never know what will happen, because no one has promised tomorrow, today, or this hour. I hope this irrational fear of losing everyone I love dwindles away at some point, but it is also the reminder to make sure I say I love you. In some ways my irrational fear has taught me to love more and live in the moment.