The Revolving Door

It has been 1 year, 1 month, and 27 days since this door started revolving....

The revolving door is never ending through this journey. The revolving door of emotions happens every month. First you are happy and enjoying life, then you get depressed, sad, and then angry at the whole situation. Once you have gone through those stages, you then begin to accept it all over again, and you get back to happy. Though I am not sure my happy now is the same happy I was before Axl's death. I think my happy is surviving each day without crying and knowing I still have my husband by my side.

This viscous revolving door happens each time a person announces a pregnancy, I see a pregnant women, or a baby is just born. It also happens each month those two pink lines do not appear on a pregnancy test. It is hard to want something so much and be denied of it in every way.  I sit and cry pleading with god to give us just one baby that lives, to give us a little glimmer of hope, and to give us break from all of the heart break we have endured. This revolving door does not just happen with me, I see it with my husband too. It breaks my heart as I have to tell him each month we didn't get pregnant this time either. It is hard seeing him get hopeful only to have to shred every inch of hope apart. It starts to take a toll on you, emotionally, mentally, and even physically sometimes.

I know this journey will more than likely have a longer path we still need to travel, but I would like this journey to end. I would love to surprise my husband one day with those two pink lines and tell him he is going to be a daddy again. I hope I get to tell him that, though I have this feeling our revolving door will never end...

Irrational Fears

It is the irrational fears that follow the death of your child that end up consuming your life. You lost your child in such a quick moment, who is to say it will not happen to anyone else you love. As my husband leaves without me every time he goes to work, to the store, or any other errand I have the irrational fear he will be killed. If I have not heard from him throughout the day panic sets in. My brain starts racing he could be hurt, killed, or something else has happened to him to where he cannot reach me. In that moment all I want to do is be with him, have him home and safe where I know everything is okay. My irrational fear has only grown since losing our son, it grows more and more as it has been longer since Axl has been gone. You never know what will happen, because no one has promised tomorrow, today, or this hour. I hope this irrational fear of losing everyone I love dwindles away at some point, but it is also the reminder to make sure I say I love you. In some ways my irrational fear has taught me to love more and live in the moment.