As the Journey continues of being an Angel mom is does not seem to get any easier. This journey pulls out so many emotions, there are times you are not sure what to do. With almost four months passing since the loss of Axl there are still times I blame myself for what happened. I was supposed to be the safe home for our little boy before he entered the world, I was supposed to protect him. I rattle my brain about what I did that could have caused this, was it the one time I changed the litter box because Nathan was gone for a work trip? Was it something I did, ate, or didn't do? It is hard not knowing why your little one could not live here on earth with you. As our journey continues it is even harder as we approach his due date, he should have been coming home with us in a little over 4 weeks. It is difficult knowing you couldn't do anything to help your little one survive and come home with you, you feel so helpless. I look at other women when we are out who are pregnant and say to myself, that should be me, I should be that big and about to bring home a baby. WHY can't that be me?? It makes you wonder why that mom gets to bring home a baby and you had to give yours back to God, why did he choose your baby over hers? Did I do something wrong in my life for this to happen to me? Was this supposed to be a lesson from God? Has she already been through this and that is her Rainbow baby? As we move through this journey I look at both of my nieces and can't help but look at all the things I will never get to see Axl do. He will never have a first word, crawl, walk, birthday, or enjoy hanging out with his daddy. I think that is what I was looking forward to the most, my husband becoming a father. I looked forward to seeing his world being lite up by his son. I watch my husband play with our niece/ god daughter and I can't help but picture what a great dad he would have been. This is the part of the journey that hurts the most. The life he could have had is no more and the life you dreamed of was ripped away, there is nothing in this world to make it feel better.
As this Journey continues there are possibilities of new life, new babies, and what I fear the most is new losses. With the possibilities of becoming pregnant again and having another baby, I fear that we will loose that baby as well, it is hard losing one child, but possibly losing another is unfathomable. I want the chance to bring a baby home, love a baby here on earth, and watch my husband be a father. I don't want to live everyday of a pregnancy scared because that life can be ripped away in a matter of seconds. Though there is also this void that you feel that needs to be filled. Our baby is gone, we so badly would love another child that the thought of going through a whole pregnancy scared would be worth it if we could come home with a baby this time. Though who can guarantee that would happen? There is no one that is going to be able to tell us the next baby you have will be healthy and you will bring it home. It is a hard path to follow as there are many uncertainties. A hard path that we will continue to journey down in our life as parents of an Angel.
